Something is Rotten in a Place Called Denton
by Cececat
Summary: Basically, 'Hamlet'... 'Rocky Horror' style. Not as boring as it sounds and rather comical for a so-called tragedy. I first posted this ages ago, then deleted it for reasons unknown. It's only half-written and I hope to finish it. (Please Read/Review!)
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Rocky Horror Picture Show, alas! If I did I'd probably keep all the characters for myself and invite them to dinner parties (hehehee...)**

 **A/N: Recently, I was going through old(ish) documents and found this. Ages ago I posted it then deleted it. Looking at it now it's not actually that bad. So I'm re-posting it and planning to finish it. There'll also be edits here and there. Probably...**

* * *

It all began the day Dorian got that odd letter…

 _Dear Dorian Grauschimmel,_

 _16 years ago, my sister and I gave you up for adoption. We knew it wouldn't be a good idea to raise you. People would be suspicious of a defect- free incestuous offspring. Yes, your parents are sibling. Luckily I'm a researcher in genetics related sciences, so I managed to find ways to keep you from having any issues._

 _Yet that is beside the point._

 _If you receive this letter, I have been murdered by my paranoid employer. As I write this I know he's planning something._

 _Just outside the town of Denton, Ohio is a castle. It looks like something out of Eastern Europe. Go to that castle and find your mother. If she too is dead… kill the owner of the castle. He is easy to recognize, since he always wears lots of makeup and glittery women's clothing._

 _Your father,_

 _Riffraff_

Stapled to that letter was another letter.

 _Dear Dorian,_

 _Please come to the castle. Though I haven't been killed, I've been forced to marry my employer! Though some sort of rescue mission isn't required, I still wish to see you. My son, I wonder if you look like your father. Please, visit! Cheer up your grieving mother with the sight of a familiar face! And, as your father wished, kill our terrible master so we may be freed!_

 _Your loving mother,_

 _Magenta_

Later that day, Dorian showed his friend Eddie the letters. They'd planned to meet that afternoon, anyway. Yesterday their band (aka the two of them taking turns failing to a variety of musical instruments) had been turned down by another record company and needed to think of a new plan.

"It's a joke. Sorry, man," Eddie said, once he'd read through it all.

"I believe it!" protested Eddie's girl, Columbia.

"You believe everything," Eddie replied sullenly.

"What else should we do this summer?" Dorian asked.

"The band-"

"Doesn't exist. Two guys isn't a band."

"Hey! Two guys and a groupie!" Columbia

Dorian sighed dramatically. "Two guys and a groupie isn't a band either. Anyway, you're Eddie's girlfriend, not a groupie."

The three of them sat there in unhappy silence for a moment.

"So... you want to go on a road trip to Ohio?" Eddie asked hesitantly.

"Yeah. We don't want to waste the money we used to buy that so-called tour van and lots of paint for it, do we?"

"Well, no…."

"My Uncle Will and is son Larry live in Ohio," Columbia muttered thoughtfully. Everyone else ignore her, as was their habit.

Soon enough it was decided.

They'd go to Ohio. The so-called band had never been a good idea in the first place. It was just an excuse for sex and drugs (because the rock n' roll is optional according to some people).

Eddie had an uncle who lived in a town near there. They decided that they could go there in case the castle turned out to not exist. By dinnertime all was decided.

They ate pizza together that evening. It was a Friday. It was a Friday… and their last evening in town.

* * *

Riffraff, 'faithful' handyman to a wealthy idiot named, knew he was in trouble. That dreadful employer of his must've caught on to something. Indeed, Riff _had_ been planning to kill that monster… but at least there was a reason.

Having all the credit for major scientific breakthroughs stolen isn't right.

To Riff's annoyance, even justifiable murder is illegal. So he waited for many years, until they went back to visit that isolated planet called Earth. Years ago he and his beloved sister Magenta had a son there. They'd left the child behind for his own good, of course.

And, now that they were returning, Riff had an interesting plot. Since his horrible employer would probably use their new separation from civilized (in this case meaning those with warp-travel technology) people to murder Riff. This son could be a perfect weapon. Even a planet as primitive as Earth would surely see avenging one's slain father as good etiquette.

So he wrote a letter and explained to his sister that it must be sent if he ever did get murdered.

One day, hardly an hour after lunch, Magenta and her brother were standing in the conservatory chatting quite cheerfully when his arm began to move strangely.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

Before he could answer, he began having violent muscle spasms in his arms and legs. Magenta wasn't sure what to do. Seeing your beloved brother die of exhaustion induced by seizure like convulsions is terrible indeed. And he was clearly conscious throughout it. After a while he froze, clearly dead.

Crying, she kneeled beside the corpse. Rigor mortis had set in already. His eyes were frozen, staring. Shaking slightly, she closed the eyelids with her hands.

… and then she heard a certain heartless bastard chuckling nonchalantly.

She looked up to see her evil employer standing by the door.

"What did you do to him?" Magenta shrieked.

"It's this lovely thing called strychnine. In case you're wondering, I put a few drops in his food."

Hours later, that fiend returned to the room to find Magenta still weeping over her dead brother.

"Come along, now. No more of this nonsense," her cruel employer said, smiling like the Cheshire cat.

She refused to move from her late brother's side for the rest of that day.

Only a few days later she was forced to marry the monster that murdered her beloved. That made no real difference, however. It just gave him more legal power and made keeping her trapped a bit easier. A marriage in name alone.

* * *

Miss Janet Weiss and her boyfriend Mr. Brad Majors were leaving the house of their dear friend Miss Betty Munroe.

They'd eaten a perfectly _marvelous_ dinner with her, though now it was time to leave.

As they began walking toward their car, they thought they saw a person in the shadows. Janet thought she heard a voice whisper, too. That was merely the wind through the trees.

"Who's there?" Janet squeaked.

"Nobody, I'm sure. If someone were there-"

Suddenly, Betty opened her "Is something wrong?"

"Nothing. Janet just thought she saw a person. It was just the dark playing tricks on her eyes. Everything is fine."

"Oh."

"We'll be leaving now!" Janet said, smiling sweetly.

Without further ado, Brad and Janet walked to where they'd parked their car. It was only across the street… but everything seems more frightening at 10PM.

As they got in the car Janet was startled. Again.

This time, however, by something more tangible. A van driven by a slightly tipsy 19-year-old suddenly stopped right in front of a nearby house. The house next door to the one where they happened to have just left.

"My, my. I didn't know Betty had such wild neighbors!" Janet muttered.

Brad, wondering whom these people were, got out of the car. Then, he walked over to them. Arms crossed and lips pursed, he waited for them to get out.

Only one person did: a young man with dark hair, fair a complexion, and a slightly childish look to his face.

"Who are you?" Brad asked.

"A friend to the people who live here. The owner of the house is the uncle of the girl asleep in the back of the car," the boy replied.

"Hmm."

Though neither of them had noticed, Janet had gotten out of the car and walked over to them. Now she stood next to her boyfriend.

"Can we go, please?" she whispered.

"In a minute," he whispered. Then, he smiled brightly and turned back to face the boy. "This is my girlfriend, Janet Weiss."

"Hello, Miss," the boy replied.

"Who are you?" Janet asked.

"I'm Eddie Redner. My girlfriend's Uncle lives in this house, and we plan to visit for a couple o' weeks."

Janet smiled politely. "That's nice!"

Suddenly, a noise like the wind whistling through trees was heard by all three of them. This time it wasn't what it sounded like. A shiver went down their spines.

"You know… Betty mentioned a ghost," Janet muttered.

As if trying to keep her from being grabbed by the unseen specter, Brad wrapped his arm around her. "How excitable you are. There's no such thing as that. In fact, you're perfectly safe."

Eddie nodded. "That's right. Nothin' like that will appear here. Hey, that rhymed!"

"Oh… but it might! Let me just say what Betty said to me!" Janet said softly, her blue eyes widened in fear.

Brad sighed. "Fine."

And so, the three of them sat down upon the very clean sidewalk and Janet began to explain…

"Last night- well, I _think_ she said last night- a glowing, slightly see-though, silvery-white person shaped-"

A being just as she described suddenly appeared out of the darkness. Janet let out a little shriek and fainted.

"Uh… you seem the poetic sort… you can talk to it!" Brad exclaimed.

"Hey… he looks like Dorian, don't he?" Eddie whispered to himself.

Brad furrowed his brow. "What?"

"Nothin'."

"Do you think that you- I mean _we_ \- should talk to him?" Brad muttered.

And Eddie did. "Whatcha doing here, dude? Its midnight! Who's gonna see you? Ya look like you're all dressed up, too!"

Indeed, the ghostly figure wore an ill-fitting suit akin to formal wear. Or some sort of British butler (according to Eddie, at least).

"He's stalking away…" whispered Janet.

Neither of the men had noticed her return to consciousness. Ah, quite typical to their gender!

"I think you offended him, using the word 'dude'," Brad whispered.

Eddie chuckled… then swore under his breath. The ghost was disappearing!

"Stay here! We wanna know whatcha wanted!" Eddie shouted.

"Shh! You'll wake up the neighbors," Janet hissed.

"Aaand he's gone," muttered Brad.

Ignoring the fact that her boyfriend had stupidly stated the obvious, Janet gave Eddie a rather motherly look of concern. "Eddie, dear. You look a bit ill. Are you feeling alright?"

"He looks like my buddy Dorian did when he got _really_ stoned one time. An' Dorian's dad just died. That's why were in town, 'cause his dad died!" Eddie said wildly.

Neither Brad nor his girlfriend spoke for quite a while. Eddie didn't, either. And then…

"Hey! He's back!" Eddie cried.

Indeed, the specter again stood right in front of them.

"Du- um, Mr. Ghost! Please don't go away! Please, er, state your purpose!" Eddie said, trying to sound smart. Not that it really worked.

Suddenly, the phrase 'I must speak to my dear son Dorian' echoed in Eddie's mind. Once, twice, thrice…

"It's okay, Janet. I won't let him hurt you," Brad muttered.

Then the ghost faded away. _Again._

"Huh. What an odd guy! He's suddenly here…" Eddie began.

"And he's just gone," finished Janet.

"He woulda spoken to us if ya hadn't said anything," Eddie muttered under his breath, glaring daggers at Brad.

Brad cleared his throat. "Well! That was really, er, interesting. But it's quite late at night and pretty cold outside. I think Janet and I should head home."

Before Janet could even try to protest (not that she had the energy to), he marched her back to the car. Humming cheerfully he drove her home.

Eddie, on the other hand, still sat there on the sidewalk. What would he tell his friend? Nothing, of course… at least for now.

It was time to wake Dorian and Columbia up so that they could go inside. They'd sent a letter to 'Uncle' William Burghley telling him when they'd show up. All they needed to do before tomorrow was go to their rooms, unpack the basics, and sleep for a few hours.

So they did exactly that.

* * *

That fiendish man known as Prince Frank upon the throne in his ballroom.

Smiling a smile reminiscent of the Cheshire cat's, he watched a group of his subjects mill aimlessly around the room. Ruling over all Transylvanians living on the pathetic planet Earth (by virtue of his royal blood) had its perks. He could invite them to parties to which attendance was mandatory, for one thing.

Currently, every Transylvanian living in this country that he currently resided in was there in the castle.

After quite a while, he decided to make a speech.

"My dearest, most _unconventional_ conventionalists!" he shouted, standing up.

A fearful silence fell upon the room. His so-called-wife shuddered at the unpleasantness of it all.

Soon enough he continued his speech. "I have called for this celebration in honor of my wedding to this attractive young woman. She has proved most enjoyable for a lowly servant. A sister-peasant to many of you, her new status as princess shall bring together the social classes ever so slightly."

Though a liar, he was an expert speaker. People believed him for reasons other than his status as future ruler. His voice sounded familiar- sometimes literally- and kind to many.

"Though not everything here is going well. This person- an earthling currently known as 'Dr. Scott'- knows something of our presence. I call upon you, my friends, to keep him from finding out any more. Volt! Cornelia!"

Two Transylvanians, a man and a woman, walked toward where he stood.

The prince grinned. "Would you be so kind to watch Dr. Scott? My dear wife will give you some of the notes you'll need. Notes, his schedules… the basics."

Shuddering in disgust, Magenta handed them a folder.

"We shall obey, sir," Cornelia muttered, bowing.

"Yes, we shall," Volt said, also with a bow.

"Good."

He stood there smirking for a moment, before calling upon another guest.

"Young Burghley!"

Out of the crowd stepped an _earthling._ His name happened to be Larry Burghley. Both he and his father worked for Prince Frank. Every good tyrant knows that an ally among the enemy's people is a good idea. Especially an ally that blends in. The Burghley family had become that.

"You've asked me for some sort of permission, yes?" Prince Frank asked.

"Yes. My father and I plan to play host to my cousin and her friends. We ask your humble permission to let me stop coming here for a few weeks in the least. I don't want them getting suspicious."

"Fine! You may forsake my company… _temporarily_."

"Thank you, sir."

Larry began to walk away. Before he could get far, however, the fiendish prince stopped him. "Does your father approve? Does he agree?"

Mr. Burghley cleared his throat. "Yes. I, um, believe a break isn't too unreasonable a request."

"Jolly good!" shouted the prince.

Music started up and the guests began to do the time warp (national dance of their planet's glorious empire).

"My darling, Magenta," Prince Frank whispered, putting his arm around her waist.

Though it repulsed her, law forbade her to move away. Anyone of royal blood couldn't be refused anything.

"Still upset about your idiot of a brother dying, eh?" he whispered in her ear.

"Please don't remind me! Your cheerful conversations and partying insults his memory," she replied.

Though such a response could result in her untimely death, she hardly cared.

"Everyone can die and everyone _does_ die… at some point," the Prince replied with a lighthearted laugh.

Magenta realized it was time to agree with him. No more disagreeing… for now.

"Yes, yes. Lot's of people die," she said, with no emotion in her voice.

"If that's true," he whispered seductively, "then why care?"

"Because I cared for him. I loved him more than anything," Magenta said softly, barely holding back tears. She wanted to beat the prince to death, but knew that such a thing would decrease her already short life expectancy.

"How adorably sentimental. Now, shut up. I want to go watch peasants look like idiots. By the gods, some of them really can't dance!"

At least his arm wasn't wrapped around her waist anymore. At least his lipstick- drenched lips weren't near her ear now. That man really needed to learn to not over apply his makeup… or so Magenta thought.

Soon enough the party was over.

The almost all guests left. And then their host- the prince- went to his bedroom. A young lady who'd attended the party went with him. Magenta still stood in the ballroom, mad thoughts of revenge filling her mind. Would that son of hers, Dorian, show up? Had he died? Or had his 'family' not allowed him to travel here?

At this point he'd be old enough to legally make such decisions by himself… wouldn't he?

The only reason she hadn't done something stupidly suicidal at this point was the fact that Dorian might show up.

 _Meanwhile, at the house owned by Columbia's cousin…_

Dorian and Eddie sat at the kitchen table. The time being 10:00, Columbia had already gone to bed. The two young men had decided to stay up until their hosts (Columbia's Uncle Will and cousin Larry) got back from some sort of dinner party they'd apparently been invited to.

Suddenly, they heard a knock at the door. Eddie decided to answer it, for some reason. His friend had already gotten a bit, ah, tipsy from the beer they'd found in the kitchen cabinet.

Eddie grinned when he saw who was there. "Glad to see ya. Brad's the name, yeah?"

"Yes. May I come in?"

"O' course. Only Dorian an' I- plus Columbia- are home right now."

"That's fine, since I just wanted to see Dorian," Brad replied.

And so Brad followed Eddie into the kitchen.

"Hi! You must be Dorian. I'm Brad Majors."

"Hello…" Dorian replied moodily.

When he'd had too much to drink Dorian acted quite like one of those 19th century poets. You know, the sort who are very angsty and often write about that cousin they married who died really young. He spouted more philosophical nonsense than someone high on absinthe might.

"Have you told him about that apparition we saw last night?" Brad asked.

"Nope!" Eddie replied, somewhat nervously.

"Hmm?" Dorian replied.

"We saw this dude who looked like you that time we both got real stoned."

"Unlike you, he was somewhat see-through and glowed silvery-white," Brad added.

Dorian raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Was he the ghost of my father?"

"I think so," Eddie replied.

"At what time did he appear?"

"Soon before midnight. My girlfriend's best friend also said he appeared at that time," Brad explained.

A dangerous look appeared on Dorian's face. "That's pretty much right now! What are we waiting for?"

Brad raised an eyebrow. "You want to go meet the ghost? Right now?"

"Why not?"

Nobody had a proper answer to that.

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

 **A/N: So, here's chapter 2. I didn't do much editing because I want to just post what's already as quickly as possible so I can write the rest. It's literally just Hamlet with a few extra scenes, so it's not too hard to write.**

* * *

Columbia sat in her room and stared idly at the ceiling. For some reason the boys had sent her to bed at about 9:30. Usually that meant she'd sleep for a few hours and then either Eddie or Dorian would be in her room at about eleven (in search of sex).

Half the time she found this amusing. The other half the time… well, it seemed silly. All she was to them was 'that cute girl who likes us'.

How annoying.

After a while, she tired of waiting for them. She fell asleep.

The next day Columbia, her cousin Larry, Eddie, and Dorian all ate breakfast together.

"Where is Mr. Burghley?" Dorian asked.

"Hmm? You mean my Dad?" Larry replied sleepily.

"Yes."

Larry chuckled nervously. "He's, um, out."

Indeed, William Burghley wasn't at his house. But that isn't truly relevant to this part of our little tale.

"What does he do for a living, again?" Eddie asked.

"Something with the government, he always said," replied Columbia.

"Is that so?" Dorian said conversationally.

"Yeah. The government," Larry muttered vaguely.

At this, Eddie's eyes narrowed. Something seemed wrong with what Larry was saying. It seemed like he was hiding something. Could Mr. Burghley be a drug dealer?

If he were a drug dealer, Eddie decided, that wasn't too bad. In the 18 years of Eddie's life, all the drug dealers he'd met were pretty laid back. Then again, that could've been a side affect of them being stoned (as they often were).

Once everyone had finished eating breakfast (a delightful meal which involved perfectly cooked waffles, crispy bacon… amongst other edible things), Eddie and Dorian went into the other room to do something. Neither Columbia nor her cousin were sure what.

After moment, Larry decided to tell Columbia something about Dorian. Though he knew nearly nothing about that young man. So he decided to make up some nonsense about the unreliability of teenage boys.

"Columbia, I might be going away soon. I'm thinking about going back to my college for a month or so." A lie, but gullible little Columbia believed it.

"Really?" she asked.

"Yes. But I'd like to, er, warn you about Dorian."

Her eyes widened. "What do you mean, warn me?"

"His so-called love for you isn't really anything. In less than a year or two, he'll leave you for some other girl. That's how guys are! You seem was too attached to someone who's gonna leave you any day now! He cares-"

"Not at all?" Columbia asked.

Larry sighed. "Yeah."

Columbia bit her lip in an attempt to hold back tears. Did her cousin know-  
"You've really gotta take this seriously, Columbia. I mean… teenage relationships never last. And Dorian is pretty good looking for a guy his age. Please trust me. He's bound to run off!"

"Fine. I understand," she replied.

"Remember what I've said to you."

There. Now she'd start ignoring him, and they'd be so busy with trying to keep their relationship together that they wouldn't become suspicious of anything. Larry was proud of his work.

He left Columbia, sitting there at the table, shaking with tears.

Only a minute later, her Uncle William appeared in the room.

"Hello, Uncle," she muttered.

"Hello. Where is Larry? I thought he was- oh, you're crying! Larry said something, didn't he?"

Columbia nodded.

With an expression of worry upon his face, he sat down at the table. "What did Larry say?"

"Something about Dorian. How I shouldn't trust him," Columbia said softly.

"Indeed? That's your boyfriend, yes? The boy you spend much time with? Tell me, are you very close?"

"Why, yes. He seems to really like me!"

Mr. Burghley chuckled. "Really 'like' you? That sounds quite childish… no offense intended. Isn't there anything more too it?"

"Yes… well, I think so." At is point; Columbia was annoyed with all the questions.

"Hmm. He flirts and spends much time with you, eh?"

"He does."

To Mr. Burghley, having her know Dorian very well could be useful. He suspected that the boy was somehow important. Having his gullible niece reporting everything could be very useful…

"I think that he's a wonderful young man. And a perfectly nice boyfriend for you."

"Oh?"

"You two really are sweet together. Do what you can to keep this relationship going."

"I will," Columbia muttered, not sure what else to do.

He didn't actually seem to hear her. People rarely did!

* * *

The next evening, the boys went 'ghost hunting' again.

All three wore their coats, yet still shivered. Winter wasn't a good time of year to be standing outside in the middle of the night… especially somewhere like Ohio.

"It's cold," Dorian complained.

"No shit, Sherlock," Eddie replied unhappily.

Brad winced at Eddie's use of foul language.

"Hey, what time is it?" Dorian asked after a moment.

"Uh, I can't really tell… my watch is all fogged up," Brad answered.

"Lovely," muttered Dorian.

"I know it's already past eleven, though. So the ghost should be along soon en-"

Eddie interrupted Brad with a shout. "Look! There he is!"

And then the silvery, glowing ghost appeared before them. The sight of him sent shivers down the spines of the three young men.

"There he is," Dorian whispered.

Eddie grinned. "He looks like you, don't he? What, with the blond hair an' all! It's uncanny!"

"Speak, ghost! Say whatever it is you wished to say! Are you even my father? What the hell are you doing her? I mean ghost aren't even real… are they?" Dorian cried out hysterically.

Meeting the ghost of your late father only a week after finding out he exists isn't the most pleasant experience.

Suddenly, the ghost began to beckon Dorian with his silvery hand. Dorian wanted to follow the ghost… something in his mind told him that he must follow the ghost.

"It's beckoning to you, but following it might result in your untimely demise!" Brad said cheerfully.

"But I must…"

"Seriously, man, that's probably not a good idea," Eddie said.

"It won't speak unless I follow it…" Dorian whispered, now in a trance like state.

"Famous last words," Brad muttered.

As if possessed somehow, Dorian followed the ghost into a nearby area of trees.

"DON'T COME CRYIN' TO ME WHEN HE LEADS YA OFF A CLIFF!" Eddie shouted after him.

"That was stupid," Brad said.

"Dude, we should go after him!"

Brad sighed. "Something is rotten in the state of Ohio…. actually, something is rotten in the town of Denton. Ohio is a big place."

"Huh?"

* * *

"Where are we going?" Dorian shouted.

He'd been following the still-mute ghost for quite a while, and now they were among the many trees of a forest that bordered the town.

"Say something! Speak, or I'll go no further!" Dorian cried.

Finally, the ghost stopped walking. They now stood in the middle of the forest. The only light sources were the full moon's light (barely visible though the trees) and the ghost's silvery glow.

"Swear you'll listen to me," the ghost said. His voice sounded like the whisper of the wind amongst tree branches, a mere echo of what it was in life.

"I will," Dorian promised.

A woeful sigh escaped the silver lips of the specter. "The hour is late. Very near the time I'm forced to disappear."

"To where do you disappear?" Dorian asked, quite curious.

"A world of darkness. I'm chained there until my dishonorable death is avenged. Don't pity me, boy. Yet don't be offended by my bitter manner, either. The fiery hatred engulfing my heart makes kindness a challenge."

This confused Dorian. "If you are imprisoned someplace… how can you be here?"

"Ha! For the first hour of the day I walk the mortal world once again. Yet I may not go home to my beloved planet of Transsexual, Transylvania. No, I may only haunt the world upon which I died."

It took a moment for Dorian to fully comprehend that statement.

"You mean… you're from _another_ _planet_?" Dorian shrieked.

The ghost laughed darkly. "As is your mother and our cruel employer."

"But you don't have pointy ears! Or green blood… _do_ you? Because I don't, and you seem to think I'm your biological son."

The ghost looked almost offended. "Like earthlings, we have iron-based blood. Copper-based blood would be green. And, though I traveled far and wide with the Prince, I've never met anyone with point ears."

A slightly awkward silence ensued.

"What do you want from me, then?" Dorian asked, after a moment.

"Revenge for my most foul, unnatural murder."

"Meaning…."

"You kill my killer in a cruel and unpleasant way, then rescue your mother," the ghost replied simply.

Another moment of silence, then…

"Do you think I should kill him the way he killed you? Speaking of which, how _did_ he kill you?" Dorian asked.

"He poisoned me, with a pinch of strychnine powder in my lunch. Hardly an hour after that meal I began to have painful spasms and convulsions. Oh! It was agony! That fiend knew it was cause me great pain… even worse was the fact that my sister-lover had to watch!" the Ghost lamented.

Dorian was too shocked to speak. His father's killer sounded truly evil. Though he wanted to ask more questions, the Ghost began to fade.

"Remember me, my son!" he cried out, as he faded away.

The ghost then disappeared completely.

After a moment, Dorian began to walk back to where he'd left his friends (in the backyard of Mr. Burghley's house). As he walked he thought about all he'd learned. Aliens! Revenge! Princes!

Now that he wasn't in the presence of the ghost anymore, revenge didn't seem like a good idea. No, it now seemed far too dangerous! Not to mention silly. What purpose does revenge even serve?

It proves a point, Dorian supposed. However, he decided, the ghost's opinion might be a bit biased. This prince might be nice to other people. Dorian decided to wait for a while. Bide his time.

Yet hesitance is sometimes a fatal flaw in tragic heroes!

"Dude! Are you okay?" Eddie shouted cheerfully the moment his friend walked through the back garden gate.

"Dorian-"

"Leave me alone, please," he muttered.

"What happened? What did the ghost want?" Brad asked.

"I won't say," Dorian replied quietly.

"Was that, like, really the ghost of your dad?" Eddie asked.

"Yes, yes. But I won't say more, so don't bother asking."

Eddie looked rather hurt. "Why not?"

"I don't want anyone to know." Dorian worried that if he said anything, his father's killer might hear.

"Why don't ya want anybody to know?"

"Because… well, I can't say! It's too horrible!"

Eddie rolled his eyes. "Dude, we know everything 'bout each other! I've accidentally caught you in bed with my girl, and I didn't care! We've gotten drunk out of our minds together enough times to have told each other every secret. There's nothing that could upset me!"

That little outburst seemed to have made Brad rather uncomfortable.

Dorian sighed. "I'll only tell you some of it. There's a villain dwelling here. Here, in the very town of Denton, Ohio. But he's a trickster who seems quite nice. He'll find out quite easily if I tell even a single soul. I know it…"

Of course, Dorian didn't really know anything about the man who murdered his father. He was merely being a bit dramatic, due to his tired state. 1AM isn't the time to make sane decisions.

"Well, there are not very nice people everywhere," Brad said with a shrug.

"That's right, of course. Yet nobody needs to know about this ghost. Not only will everybody think we're crazy, the villain-whose-name-I-shall-not-say might somehow hear about it. So nobody is allowed to mention this at all. We've got to swear on something. Swear on… something… that we won't mention this to anyone!"

"Swear on what?" Brad asked.

"Something very important-" Dorian began.

Eddie grinned childishly. "Like your-"

"-something that is PG rated! I _know_ what you were about to say, Eddie," Dorian finished.

Suddenly, Brad had an idea. "What about the moon? We could swear to not say anything until the moon falls out of the sky?"

"Though a bit poetic, that's still quite clever," Dorian replied thoughtfully.

Brad blushed. "I wrote a poem for Janet that said something like that."

"Cute," Eddie muttered sarcastically.

"Well, then! I swear that I will never, ever, ever tell anyone about this!" Brad said.

Suddenly a whisper of a voice could be heard all around them. It was the ghost's voice!

 _… swear properly… swear upon the moon… like you said you would…._

"Right! I swear that, as long as the moon never falls out of the sky, I'll never-ever-ever speak of this."

… _swear it, too, Eddie…_

"I swear that I won't speak of this until the moon falls out of the sky," Eddie muttered sullenly.

"I swear that I won't speak of this until the moon falls out of the sky," Dorian finished.

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

* * *

A few days after the ghost's conversation with him, Dorian was very tired. Staying up almost all night for two nights isn't good for one's health.

The poor young man was very worried, you see. He couldn't stop thinking about all the ghost had said. He thought about it all night…

Foolishly enough, he didn't bother to properly get dressed that day. His plaid shirt only half buttoned... hair not brushed… feet without shoes or socks…. he looked like a mad man! The fact that his skin was ashen, thanks to lack of sleep, only made matters worse.

When he went searching for his friend Eddie, he stumbled into Columbia's room.

She sat on her bed, reading a fashion magazine and humming to herself. Then, she noticed him staring at her.

"Dorian? What's wrong with you?"

Of course, he was just lost in thought. Just staring into space. Alas, Columbia didn't realize this. It frightened her.

"A-a-are you okay, Dorian?" she asked, stuttering slightly.

"I'm fine," he tried to mutter.

Then, he fell to the floor. He'd passed out from the exhaustion.

With a little shriek of terror, Columbia ran to find Eddie… or Larry… or Uncle William. Anyone!

Meanwhile, William Burghley sat in his office at the castle. He was writing a memo to the prince, suggesting a few films for the court to watch. As earthling advisor to His Sexiness (an official title used to address unmarried members of the royal family), Mr. Burghley had to make sure that the court was well-versed Earth's popular culture. It kept the Transylvanians from standing out more than necessary, for one thing.

Suddenly he heard a knock at the room.

"Come in."

A young- aged 13 or 14- servant entered the room. Like most servants he wore a plain black tunic with the official lighting-bolt symbol, gold leggings, and standard-issue black leather boots. He bowed to Mr. Burghley.

Mr. Burghley smiled. "Ah, Feldspar! I called you here, didn't I?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, then… I've got a little assignment for you. Since my son has taken a few weeks off, I won't be able to keep an eye on him. Would you please watch him for me? You'll need to wear earthling clothes, which I can easily supply. Don't let him see you, though. I'll need daily reports, too. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir."

"I also want to know the name of- or, at least a description of- each person he speaks to. Okay?"

"Yes, sir."

"Jolly good! Go, then. I'll have someone send the clothes and everything to your room."

With another bow, the servant boy left. Mr. Burghley began looking through movie requests. Often a Transylvanian used to earthling society might know of a movie that could be shown in court. There were special forms and everything for people to send in… just to request a film.

Mr. William Burghley spent the rest of his workday going through such papers.

Soon enough, it was time for him to return home.

As so-called 'creatures of the night', Transylvanians were rather nocturnal. Day was for sleeping, night was for waking. Breakfast was often a few hours after sunset, lunch at about midnight, dinner near 7AM…

Earthling servants and associates also followed that schedule sometimes.

Poor Mr. Burghley spent half his time as a normal earthling and half his time at the castle. That meant he didn't get much sleep… but, unlike Dorian, he was used to it.

And now it was time to go home. So he did.

When he got back to his house, he found his (currently) very distressed niece pacing around the kitchen.

"Uncle William!" Columbia cried, the moment she noticed him.

Only moments ago she'd come looking for help.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Oh, well… it's a long story."

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"You see, I was reading a magazine in my bedroom…"

And so she told the story of Dorian showing up at her door and then fainting.

Mr. Burghley suddenly had an idea. What better way to keep them from finding out than to cause some really distracting drama between them? Columbia and Eddie were clearly dating. And Dorian spent so much time with both of them…

This sudden fit of madness from Dorian would be a wonderful excuse!

"If I didn't know better," Mr. Burghley said with a lighthearted chuckle, "I'd say he's sick with love for you."

Columbia's eyes widened. "Really?"

"I'd say!"

"Well… what should I do?" she asked, somewhat nervously.

Her uncle shrugged. "Let him be in love with you. Just-"

On and on he went, telling her many lies. With a gleeful smile upon her face, Columbia listened to all the false advice, the nonsense her uncle was spouting.

* * *

As Mr. William Burghley drove to work that evening at 8 o'clock, he suddenly realized that Dorian looked very familiar. That boy had the exact same eyes as Lady Magenta! The exact same shade of green. And he had the blonde hair of the dead servant... what was his name again? The annoying butler Prince Frank killed…

Did they have a son?

If the did, then Dorian might be him.

So, when Mr. Burghley got to his office, he called for his servant Feldspar. Then he remembered that Feldspar was busy spying on Larry. Oh well.

Maybe he could ask Lady Magenta herself? No, that wouldn't be a good idea. So he decided to write a little note to Prince Frank.

Later, when the prince read the note, he was quite interested in the idea of this mysterious child of Magenta's. He quickly thought of a way to figure out if this boy called Dorian really was who Mr. Burghley thought he was.

And what better way to see if he looks like a young version of Riffraff than to find someone who knew both Riffraff and Magenta all their lives?

* * *

Prince Frank, and his wife Magenta, sat in the breakfast room eating. The time was about 9:30 pm. Quite a normal breakfast time, by Transylvanian standards!

"I've invited your cousins to stay here for a while," he told her.

"Really?"

"Yes. The twin brothers called Gaius and Caius. They _are_ your only cousins, isn't that right?"

He very well knew that she also had another cousin. A female cousin named Lavinia who'd born the illegitimate child Duke Demetrius- Frank's cousin- and died in a nasty 'accident' in which she'd somehow been impaled on a spear. Nobody liked to think about the poor woman.

"Anyway, I've invited them to stay here for a few weeks. It'll be nice to have some old friends around, won't it?"

Magenta nodded mechanically.

"Luckily, they happened to be on Earth anyway. Right now they're in one of the guest rooms."

"Oh?"

A moment later a servant entered the room. "Sir, the queen's cousins are waiting just outside this room. Permission to let them in?"

"Permission granted."

Two young men- well, _teenagers_ \- entered the room. Both wore the same exact outfit… from their glittery silver top hats to their rhinestone-encrusted boots. Though they were twins, they weren't actually identical. Gaius had lighter hair and a rosier complexion, while Caius had dark hair that contrasted sharply with his pale skin.

"Greetings, sir," Gaius said, bowing.

His brother also bowed, though didn't speak.

"Well, then. I've called you here not only for a visit. I need some younger people to befriend a group of earthling teenagers. Mr. Burghley will explain more if needed. Like any good citizen of Transylvania, you will obey if you know what's good for you."

Both nodded, and were escorted away by a servant.

Hardly a minute later Mr. Burghley appeared. With him came Volt and Cornelia… two servants who'd been sent to spy on a troublesome earthling named Dr. Scott.

"So! What news have you got for me?" Prince Frank asked.

"He seems distracted by the fact that his nephew Eddie happens to be in town. That should delay any plots he has against us," Cornelia explained.

"He's also quite old. Since he's in a wheelchair he can't drive anywhere without an assistant, which gives us another advantage," added Volt.

"Last of all, he's not taken very seriously by anyone. We listened to his phone lines and intercepted a few letters. From that we learned that even the alien-hunters he works for see him as a bit of a joke." Cornelia finished.

"Lovely," Prince Frank said, grinning one of those evil grins.

Cornelia and Volt then left.

Smiling politely, Mr. Burghley handed the prince some papers. "Here are some of the notes they collected. I think that this is a bit more in-depth than what they just said."

While Prince Frank cheerfully read through the papers, his advisor Mr. Burghley walked over to Magenta.

"You have a son, don't you?" he whispered.

She nodded slowly.

"He's here in town. Right now he's at my house. My niece Columbia- well, her name's actually 'Laura'- is apparently very good friend of his. Columbia, her boyfriend Eddie, and your son Dorian are staying at my house for the next few weeks."

"But-"

"Shh. If you want to see him, I-"

"What are you two up to?" Prince Frank said, raising an eyebrow suggestively.

"Nothing," Mr. Burghley said, quickly moving away from Magenta.

"Lovely! My wife and I deserve some time alone now… don't we?"

Magenta said nothing. She just stood there, as if frozen to the spot. Amusingly, if she _had_ said or done something he might've used one of her brother's inventions to temporarily make her a statue or glue her to the floor.

* * *

Eddie, Dorian, and Columbia all sat in the living room. They laughed merrily and told jokes of a less-than-polite persuasion- as people of their age often do. Dorian read a few passages from a book in a silly voice, bringing more mirth.

They also mocked Columbia's uncle, Mr. William Burghley. He entered the room just as the conversation got interesting.

"What is Uncle William's job? Really, though?" Columbia asked, now quite serious.

"He's a fishmonger," Dorian replied, laughing.

Mr. Burghley's brow furrowed. "I'm not a fishmonger. Why would I be a fishmonger?"

"What _is_ a fishmonger?" Eddie asked.

"A person who sells fish!" said Dorian.

"Right…."

Mr. Burghley wanted to tell Dorian about his mother. How she'd be looking for him, wondering where he is. Yet the older man couldn't bring himself to say anything. So, there he stood, staring at Dorian

"Do you have anything to say?" Dorian asked.

"What are you, er, reading?" Mr. Burghley asked, desperate to change the subject.

"Oh! Some nonsense about a fancy sort of sherry and some kind of Italian festival! Nonsense, really," the young man replied cheerfully.

Columbia giggled.

Mr. Burghley chuckled nervously. "Ah. Well, Dorian… I'd best leave you now. I'm sure you and your friend- and, of course, my niece are having quite a bit of fun without silly old me in the way."

Before he could even leave the room, a knock was heard at the front door (which leads directly to the living room).

"Come in, it's unlocked!" Mr. Burghley called.

Two people quite unfamiliar to Dorian and his friends entered the room. They were the cousins of his parents. Caius and Gaius.

"Oh dear," Mr. Burghley muttered, quickly escaping the room.

"There he is," Caius whispered to his brother.

"Indeed," Gaius muttered.

"Looks just like hid father did, years and years ago."

"But he's got his mother's eyes."

Dorian stared at them in confusion. "Who are you?"

"I'm Gaius."

"And I'm Caius."

"What are ya doing here?" Eddie asked, looking quite annoyed.

"Looking for my cousin's son. A boy named Dorian," said Caius.

"Dorian, son of Riffraff," said Gaius.

"That's me… I think," Dorian replied nervously.

"Good!" said Caius.

"Why are you here?" Eddie asked, rather annoyed.

"To visit Dorian, of course!" said Caius, his pale face alit with cheerfulness.

"So… you just randomly decided to show up and say 'hello'? Or did someone send you here? For that matter, how do you even know I'm here?" Dorian asked, quite confused at this point.

The twins stood there with dazed expressions upon their faces. This look was somewhat akin to that of a deer stopped in front of a car's headlights. Neither was sure what exactly to do.

"Someone sent you here. It's obvious!" Dorian said, now rather distraught. "Was it my mother? Oh, please take me to meet her!"

"I doubt that it was your kind mother who sent them. I think someone's after you, Dorian," Columbia muttered. She was right, though nobody paid attention to her.

"Why do you think we're here?" Gaius asked nervously.

"Do you wish for us to leave?" Caius asked.

"Please do go away," Dorian said, clearly rather angry.

"Goodbye," the two said at the exact same time.

Then, the brothers left. Nobody knew what to say now. The only trace that Caius and Gaius had left behind was a poster for the 1940s movie _Arsenic and Old Lace_.

" _That_ was real weird," Eddie said, after a moment.

"Indeed," Dorian agreed.

Columbia didn't say a word. Instead, she suddenly stood up and had to hold on to a table to keep from falling. Then she fled the room.

"I think she's ill," Eddie said, after a moment.

Though neither young man truly cared, their dear friend Columbia was ill. She wasn't ill in the way one might expect, though. It wasn't a virus of any kind. No, no. The poor girl was pregnant!

 _Meanwhile, at the castle_ …

'Queen' Magenta paced around her room. Ever since Mr. Burghley had mentioned her son Dorian, all she could think about was the boy. She hadn't seen him since that earthling family had adopted him. What she wouldn't give to see him…

To her annoyance, the prince had forbidden her from leaving the castle. Currently he was hosting another party. She'd retired to bed early (to avoid the party), though hadn't gotten undressed yet.

So, she decided to leave the castle. Thank gods for that secret drawer of earthling clothes.

At about 9 o'clock she left the castle. Though she had to walk, town wasn't very far.

Soon, she came across a young man and a young woman walking together

"Hello! Do you know where Mr. William Burghley lives?" she asked them.

"Yes. I can point out his house, if you'd like," said the man.

"Thank you!" Magenta replied.

"My name is Brad Majors, by the way. And this is my girlfriend, Janet Weiss."

Magenta smiled politely. "Nice to meet you."

Soon enough, they stood in front of the house.

"Thank you," Magenta said, as she walked up the walkway.

"People seem very interested in Mr. Burghley these day… or at least his house," Janet remarked.

Just as Magenta was about to knock on the door to the house, she heard a faint sobbing somewhere nearby. She followed the sound to the garden adjacent to the house's garage. There sat Columbia, crying.

"What's wrong?" Magenta asked, startling the girl.

"I don't know," Columbia muttered.

"What do you not know?"

"Who! I don't know who!"

"What do you mean?"

Columbia shuddered. "I mustn't say. Why, my parents won't ever speak to me again! No, no…"

Magenta wasn't sure what to do. So she just sat there next to the girl, listening in confusion as she babbled on and on. After a while, she gave up on trying to understand. Time to look for her son, Dorian.

Maybe he would know who that girl was.

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

 **A/N: a modernized version of "to be, or not to be" is in this chapter...**

* * *

Unfortunately, Magenta didn't manage to find her son Dorian. After a while she decided that walking around outside the Mr. Burghley's house seemed a bit creepy. So, she decided to go home. Tomorrow she'd come back.

And then she remembered the crying girl. She'd seemed so… lost.

Magenta decided to bring the girl back to the castle. There the girl might be able to explain in more depth. Like before, Magenta followed the sound of the girl sobbing to that garden. There she sat, still hysterical.

"What's your name?"

"C-c-columbia. M' name's Columbia."

"Well then. Columbia, I can help you," Magenta said, in the kindest voice she could.

"How?" the girl whispered.

"Just come with me. There isn't much time." Indeed, Magenta needed to be back at the castle before her 'husband' could figure out that she'd been gone.

"Who are you?"

Magenta took a deep breath. "I'm Dorian's mother."

Somehow, Columbia now trusted Magenta unconditionally. Whoever the girl was, Magenta decided, she definitely knew Dorian _very_ well.

Very well, indeed.

Now that Magenta knew her way, they managed to walk to the castle quite quickly. To Magenta's annoyance, Prince Frank was currently 'holding court'. That meant that a variety of random people were standing around in the throne room wishing they were somewhere else whilst the prince told dramatic speeches or jokes or something. Currently, Gaius and Caius were waiting in the front hall. In a moment they'd report what they'd learned of Dorian to the prince.

"Hello, cousin," Caius said, when he saw her.

"Who is that girl?" asked Gaius.

Magenta scowled. "Just a friend. Don't bother mentioning her to the prince."

"When he hears you're standing right here, he'll want to see you," Caius said,

"He'll be suspicious of your strange attire, I think," Gaius added.

"I just went on a walk! What's so terrible about that?" Magenta shouted, now quite annoyed.

That very moment, a servant of some kind left the throne room in search of Gaius and Caius. "The prince wishes to see both- ah, Queen Magenta! I'm sure the prince will also wish to see you!"

"Fine."

"I suppose you should bring… that earthling along, too," the servant added.

By now poor Columbia seemed to have given up on questioning anything.

And so they entered the throne room.

 _Meanwhile…_

Eddie and Dorian were sitting in the kitchen, staring in confusion at the poster for the film _Arsenic and Old Lace._ Well… it was more of a brochure than a poster. It had a plot summary and everything. And a

"Do you think there's a town hall or something that shows movies?" Dorian muttered.

His friend shrugged. "I dunno. But what's that in the corner? It looks an address or somethin'!"

Indeed, there was an address… of sorts.

"It just says 'the castle down the road from Denton!" Dorian said, raising an eyebrow.

"Like the castle your parents used to live in," Eddie muttered.

Dorian's eyes widened. "You don't mean…"

A moment later, both of them were walking down the road to the castle. They would've taken the car if they weren't afraid of a lack in parking spots.

 _Back at the castle…_

Now, Prince Frank was questioning Gaius and Caius.

Magenta was standing nearby in boredom and Columbia was sitting in the corner feeling very sorry for herself.

"So… he lloks just like his father used to?"

"Yes," Gaius said.

"No," Caius argued.

The prince raised an eyebrow. "No?"

"His eyes were like his mother's. The rest of him looked like his father," Gaius explained.

This made Magenta smile quite a bit. He had her eyes, did he? How sweet!

"When you met him, was he polite?" Magenta asked, eager to learn more.

Though she planned to ask Columbia about Dorian later, but it would be interesting to find out what other people thought of him

"He was pretty polite," Gaius said.

"Except he seemed angry at us," Caius said.

"It's probably because we barged into the living room," Gaius said.

"Thank you for your report. Now, you two may go," Prince Frank said, looking rather annoyed.

"Thank you," the twins said at the same time.

Then, they left (much to the relief of many people in the room). It registered vaguely in the mind of Magenta that Columbia was crying. Again. Did Earth people usually do that?

Prince Frank smiled his Cheshire-cat smile. "My unconventional courtiers, leave us if you please."

The random collection of nobles and servants exited the room. Only Columbia, Magenta, and the prince himself remained in the room. An eerie silence fell upon them. The silence was occasionally interrupted by one of Columbia's sobs.

"Darling Mag, _you_ may leave now too," said the prince.

Magenta winced at the unpleasant nickname, but obeyed anyway. Upsetting him was never a good idea. And with poor young Columbia here now…

"Ophelia, even if it isn't Dorian's, I'm sure it'll be fine. Don't worry."

The prince gave her a dark look. Upsetting him would be stupid. Without another word, she left.

Though she wasn't exactly sure, Magenta thought she heard Columbia whispered something along the lines of: "I wish it were so."

"Come here, _girl_ ," Prince Frank sneered.

Columbia slowly stood up and walked over to where he stood. Something about him fascinated her… but at the same time he was terrifying. He seemed beautiful somehow. Despite the excessive application of makeup and the decadent sense of fashion, something about him seemed beautiful.

Like a dagger that's handle had been adorned with diamonds and silver. Though you saw the danger, the mask of beauty distracted you just enough.

"What's your name, darling?" he drawled.

"They call me 'Columbia', after the picture show company," she muttered nervously.

"Enchanté."

She giggled, now under his terrible spell.

"You know 'that young man Dorian', yes?" he asked conversationally.

"Well, I-"

The room's main door suddenly slammed opened. To the surprise of both of them, 'that young man Dorian' wandered (somewhat aimlessly) into the room.

* * *

Before Columbia could protest, Prince Frank dragged her backward into the corner and hid the both of them behind a curtain.

Meanwhile, Dorian paced pointlessly around the room. He was too lost in thought to really notice his surroundings. In fact, he didn't even seem to hear Columbia crying. Again.

How new it was! Was he truly the person people seemed to think he was?

The more he thought about the events of the last few days, the more he – hadn't it been more than a few days? Time seemed all confused now!

The couple who'd raised him hadn't really thought much of him, no. And the moment he finds his birth family, he finds out that his father's dead. He couldn't help but wonder what's the point…

"To living? Why not die? Ha! What a question. People seem to see it as more glorious and wonderful to endure life's awfulness than to… end. Die. They say it's no worse than sleep." He chuckled, somewhat madly, and then went back to talking to himself.

"That sort of sleep would end this emotional madness- dead people can't be this damn confused, I'm pretty sure. Ha! The dead can't be physically sick or be heartbroken. Death is calm, like sleep...

"But if death's like sleep then do the dead dream? Oh, that's a problem. What sorts of dreams do those who've left the living-world dream? That's something to think about, hmm. That's what stops us; we don't want to know what horrors await us once we've left. Ah, it's the dread of what comes next that keeps us going. Death's a place from where nobody returns. I suppose people would rather hurt in familiar ways than end up somewhere with unknown horrors.

"That fear makes us all cowards. Fear of what might be!"

Suddenly, the prince pushed Columbia out from behind a curtain. The brief commotion caused by this brought Dorian back to reality.

"Hello, Dorian," she said, after a moment of staring aimlessly at him.

"Hello, Columbia… what the _hell_ are you doing here?"

She shrugged. "I'm not exactly sure. Come to think of it, I was wondering that about you."

"Right."

They stood there in odd silence for a moment.

"What's wrong, Columbia?" he asked, after a moment.

"W-w-wrong?" the poor girl stuttered.

"Yes. You've been behaving rather oddly lately. Are you ill?"

"What?"

"Are you ill? Sick? Unhealthy in any way?"

"No. I'm perfectly well, thank you very much," she replied venomously.

He sighed. "You are something. I'm just not sure what."

"The fault is yours," she muttered, after a moment of cold silence.

"What? Its _my_ fault _you're_ sick?" Dorian shrieked.

Suddenly, Prince Frank chuckled.

"Who else is in this room, Columbia?" Dorian asked, clearly quite worried.

"Nobody," the girl replied, fearing that the prince might hurt her if she betrayed his presence.

"You're a liar. I _know_ I heard someone moving around in the curtains over there. How could I have ever taken someone like you seriously? Look, I may have liked you at one point… but now-"

"You never liked me. Eddie did… he… Eddie _loved_ me! Now, look what I've done to him. What I've done to… Oh, it bloody well is your fault!" Now she was in hysterics.

Dorian didn't even understand _half_ of what she'd said. All he got out of that brief, yet spirited, outburst was that she was angry at him.

And so he stormed out of the room, leaving the crying girl behind.

* * *

After he'd stormed out of the room, Dorian found himself in the front hall again. His friend stood there still.

"What did ya just do?" he asked.

"I don't even know."

Eddie raised an eyebrow. "I heard ya shoutin' at some-"

"Columbia was in that room. I asked her about why she's been acting funny and she claims that _I_ made her sick- _fuck_ , I know what's wrong with her."

His friend stared at him in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"Columbia, she's… Oh my god. She's pregnant, isn't she?"

At this revelation, Eddie's already light face paled even more. "An' she says it's _your_ fault… Dorian? You've been seeing her behind my back, haven't ya?"

"Sorry, man."

"How _could_ you? I mean… that's real betrayal. Borrowing a jacket and forgetting to give it back for a year is okay. But stealing _her_ from me? Dude, that's not right."

"It was more borrowing than stealing. We weren't actually dating… you see, it was more like-"

"Stop it. I don't want to know."

And then, his best friend wandered off into another part of this bizarre castle. With a dramatic sigh, Dorian sat down on the floor. Everything seemed to be going wrong at the moment. His father's death wasn't even the worst of it at this point!

"Now my best friend hates me, too," Dorian muttered.

Things weren't going well for the young man.

Suddenly, he noticed a piece of paper sitting on the floor nearby. Another flyer for a showing of _Arsenic and Old Lace._ It said that the entire royal court would be watching that very evening.

Suddenly, Dorian had an idea to solve at least one problem. The movie involved people being poisoned, right? And Prince Frank had poisoned Dorian's father, right? So, Dorian thought, what better way to make him admit his guilt than to make him watch the movie?

What unreasonable reasoning this was!

But who said Dorian was reasonable? That didn't seem to fit in with the character type he was, no sir. Somewhat of a Byronic hero, that boy. Clever, with a dark and mysterious past. Well, mysterious parents. Ah, and so much angst and internal conflict that he wouldn't even notice the forth wall being kicked down. Why, even the audience started to call him all sorts of nasty names he still wouldn't notice.

( _Frightfully sorry about the fourth wall. We'll 'ave to raise the salary for poor Mister Hughes, what with all 'em bricks he'll be 'aving to put back in._ )

Suddenly, Caius and Gaius walked into the hall. A moment later, Mr. Burghley did too (alibi from another doorway).

"Hello… _Mr. Burghley_?" Dorian said, quite confused.

"Hello, Dorian. What are you doing here?"

The angsty hero sighed. "I can't remember at this point."

"I'd better tell the Queen of this," Mr. Burghley muttered.

"It will interest her," Caius commented aimlessly.

"Yes it will!" agreed Gaius.

Mr. Burghley glanced at the twins. "Will you go tell her?"

"Indeed," said the both of them.

Then, they left. Both of the people left in the room- the somewhat befuddled old man and the dramatic young man- seemed quite relieved by this. The one thing those two had in common was a dislike for the twins.

And then Eddie entered.

"Sorry, dude, about bein' so angry. It's half the doll's fault anyway. I mean, she's pretty hot and she kn-"

Mr. Burghley cleared his throat. "I rather hope you aren't talking about my niece."

"No, no, no… not at _all_!"

"O' course not, mister."

With a false (but cheerful) smile, Dorian changed the subject. "So! There's a move being shown this evening. Do you want to go with me, Eddie?"

Poor Eddie's eyes widened in sheer horror. "Do ya mean, like… a date? Dude, I'm straight, ya little f-"

"There is more to life than getting laid, my dear friend," Dorian replied good-naturedly.

"Yeah, well… will all the talkin' about Columbia being-"

Mr. Burghley raised an eyebrow _and_ cleared his throat. "I hope you don't speak of my niece."

"Nah, there's a ton o' girls named that," Eddie lied with a nervous chuckle.

An incredibly awkward silence ensued.

After _far_ too long, Caius and Gaius reappeared. The distraction of the Annoying Two brought upon the end of the awkwardness.

And then… Magenta showed up.

With Columbia right beside her.

"Columbia?!" shouted Mr. Burghley.

"Uncle William!" she replied, looking nearly faint with shock.

"Columbia!" shouted Dorian.

"Dorian!" screamed Columbia, waving her arms about.

"Eddie!" Magenta shouted, wishing to join in the fun.

"Columbia?!"

"Uncle William!"

"Columbia!"

"Dorian!"

"Eddie!"

"Shut up," Eddie muttered.

"Columbia?!"

"Uncle William!"

"Columbia!"

"Dorian!"

"Eddie!"

"SHUT UP!" Eddie shouted.

"Right, then," Mr. Burghley muttered, really quite embarrassed to have started all that.

Dorian cleared his throat. "Let's, um, go to the movie now."

His mother raised an eyebrow. "The movie?"

"They're playing _Arsenic and Old Lace_ tonight, for the people in this castle, aren't they?" replied Dorian.

"Oh! A _movie_! It could be a date with my dearest Eddie," Columbia said with a dreamy sigh.

"Jolly good," Dorian muttered, "now, lets go."

And so, they walked to the movie room. An amused Mr. Burghley led the way, since he knew the castle's floor plan better than even the 'queen' herself. Soon enough, they were in the movie room.

Prince Frank already lounged dramatically upon a couch. He wore a very stylish dress that was very drapy and involved some nice ruffly bits and a touch of lacy trim. Earrings and heels completed the look.

"Hello, _darling_ ," he said, staring at his poor wife.

Thankfully, he was too busy looking at her cleavage to notice the three people who didn't belong there. Columbia, Eddie, and Dorian managed to sit down in the corner of the room without being stopped… or even noticed.

Soon after the movie began, Eddie began to whisper to Columbia and Dorian. Well, mostly the former.

It mainly consisted of Eddie saying naughty things and his friends trying not to laugh. After a while, Dorian decided to

"May I lie upon your lap, dear," Dorian said suggestively.

"Seriously man, are ya a fru-"

"I meant _count_ ry matters!" Dorian replied in mock horror.

"What do ya mean by that?" Eddie asked.

Columbia giggled. "Emphasis on the first syllable, I think!"

"What does that- _oh_ …!"

After that they went back to trying to pay attention to the film. Foolishly enough, Dorian forgot why they'd wanted to watch the movie. So he didn't get to point out the similarities between the film's characters and the prince.

Not that there really were any.

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	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

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 **A/N: Here's the first of the 'new' material. Story-wise, it's mostly what the middle of Act III would be in _Hamlet_. **

**The names 'Caius' and 'Gaius' are pretty much just different spellings of the same name. Also, they're this story's version of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.**

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Somehow, Prince Frank managed to notice a number of parallels. Mostly just the fact that the innocent-seeming old ladies were poisoning lonely old men, people who weren't needed, the way he poisoned that awful servant. Though he didn't feel guilty – he didn't have the heart for such a thing – it made him worry about the fact that somebody knew what he'd done.

Halfway through the film, he abruptly left.

Dorian knew exactly why. Though this wasn't really the result he wanted. No, he'd hoped that Prince Frank might blurt out a confession. At least it pretty much proved that Riff had been murdered and that the crime had been committed with poison.

If he didn't fear that other members of the audience might suspect something, Dorian would've left right then and there. He waited there until the end of the movie. Eddie and Columbia were too busy watching Cary Grant's hilarious overacting to realize something was bothering their friend.

Once the film ended, the queen walked over to where the three kids sat. They all stood up out of respect.

"How did you like the show?" Dorian asked her.

"Well… the old ladies I detest very much. Their crimes were terrible, yet they acted as though it were all perfectly normal. It wasn't, as we _all_ know. What was the title of it, again?"

"The Mousetrap," Dorian told her, at the exact time that Eddie said: " _Arsenic and Old Lace_."

Nobody spoke for a moment. Then, Columbia smiled strangely and said:

"I didn't really like it. Well... it seemed like there was too much overacting from Cary Grant and the humor was too dark. There were all sorts of things that I didn't like in this film!"

" _That_ little lady does protests too much," Eddie said with a laugh.

"No. I don't protest enough," Columbia said unhappily.

Then she began to cry again. Nobody knew what to do. At least they knew why she was so upset, especially by Eddie's joke. The young men – meaning Dorian and Eddie – didn't see what the big deal was. Only Magenta, who'd been pregnant before and was a bit nicer, really felt sorry for the girl.

The Queen Magenta led Columbia out of the room. By then most of the other guests were gone. Alone now, Dorian and Eddie both became rather serious.

"The ghost was right, I think. Though I hardly ever doubted it," Dorian said grimly – yet quietly, still fearing the prince's eavesdropping ears. "Did you notice it, too? How the poisoner looked so very guilty when the film's little old ladies killed those sad old men?"

"Yeah, totally," Eddie replied, not so truthfully.

Poor, wretched Dorian didn't seem to even hear his friend's words.

Then, two people entered the room... Gaius and Caius. Only Eddie noticed them. Dorian was to busy brooding like some sort of Byronic hero. Contemplating the murder of his poor father – who he never _actually_ knew in life – and thinking of some sort of bloody revenge.

"What do you want?" Eddie asked.

"Well, the lady Magenta asked us to bring her young Dorian," said Gaius.

"Why?" Dorian asked.

"Because she says so," Caius explained.

For some reason, Dorian feared he might be accused of being the father of Columbia's baby. Or scolded. Or _something_. This woman who he'd only just met had given birth to him many years previously, but he still wasn't

"Tell her I can't. Tell her I'm _insane_."

Gaius laughed strangely . "I doubt she'd care. Everyone is insane here! In fact, she'd probably be glad of it. She would want her son to fit in with the rest of the family."

This reminded Eddie of a line in the film they'd just watched: _insanity doesn't run in the family – it gallops!_ It would be like Dorian to be from a family of loonies. Just Eddie's luck, being best friends with somebody that bad. Not that he cared. Dorian was his best friend, and even insane aliens or revenge-seeking ghosts couldn't ruin that. Nothing could… or so Eddie thought.

It was clear Dorian wouldn't be leaving the room. He just sat stood there quite defiantly. What a rebel without a cause...

Then, Mr. William Burghley entered the room. He looked even less amused than a picture of Queen Victoria. This was mildly frightening.

He glared at Dorian. "The Queen wants to see you, Dorian. Please hurry along. She claims to have sent Gaius and Caius after you, but it seems that they haven't done any good!"

"Fine," Dorian muttered pettily.

Then, everyone left the room. Gaius and Caius went one direction, the boys – meaning Dorian and Eddie – and Burghley the other.

Gaius and Caius made there way to Frank's living room. That usually seemed like the best thing to do at times like that. At that point in time he was indeed sitting on the couch there, drinking a glass of something that looked rather unpleasant.

When he noticed the two guests, he spoke with much feeling…

"I don't like him. That boy – Dorian – is in the way. My life here is in theory wonderful. But now _he's_ in the way now! Though he hasn't done anything yet he will soon enough – I'm sure of it! I've decided to send him to our home planet. They'll look after him, I know it. Already I've written a letter to my mother. As of about five seconds ago I've decided that the two of you shall be his escorts. That is, the people who keep an eye on him during the journey. You don't have to sleep with him or anything… though I will let you have a bit of a holiday before you return here."

"We shall do this, good sir. We're especially grateful for the holiday," said Caius.

Frank chuckled. "Well, then. You'd better go prepare for it. My servants will have the ship ready quite soon and you'll leave when that's done."

"We will hurry," Caius promised.

"Indeed," agreed Gaius.

" _Good_ …"

Without another word, he handed them the letter he'd written. It said it was not to be opened by anyone besides the queen (Frank's mother, not his wife) herself.

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After leaving Dorian outside the doorway of his mother's rooms, Mr, Burghley left for his employer's office. That seemed the best course of action. If he were with the prince, there wasn't any way he'd be accused of conspiring with the queen and Dorian. He nearly regretted this when he saw the slightly drunken state his 'master' was in. It frightened him, that fiery look in the prince's eye. It wasn't lust – no, something ever darker. A burning hatred… not unlike the cruel emotion felt when he poisoned that servant years ago.

"Where is Dorian?" Frank asked, the very moment his servant entered the room.

"Well… he's in his mother's rooms. She called him for a meeting of some kind. Shall I, er, spy on him? See what's he's up to? There are a few curtained niches in main sitting room of hers, very nice places to hide, and I could surely.

"Thanks for the offer, Will. I'm going to send Dorian home soon – that is, to my planet – and my queen's cousins Gaius & Caius are going to collect him soon enough. Though perhaps "

William Burghley paled. He hadn't known about that. From what little he knew of the alien planet this wasn't a good idea. No, far from it. Though, like any sane person in the presence of a mad prince, he went along with Frank's idea.

So, he left the room. He went to eavesdrop on Dorian and his mother.

Frank went back to brooding. If he wasn't careful his mother would recall him. Then this odd place

Being somewhat mad, he wasn't against speaking to himself. "What fiends mothers are! Influencing their sons, raising them to be. The fairer sex is not meant to rule, nay. Though they're truly not meant to influence either. Yet they _do_. Whispering in ears of husband or lover or son. Oh, _this_ is why man a better wife makes. No lady could marry a prince and have the match be not a mismatch. I murder her brother – fiend most incestuous – and marry her. For this she hated me. Though she was a pretty little thing, who I thought foolish. Alas! It's that she cares for her own blood and flesh – and will only help his ambitions. This is a curse, a curse brought upon myself by way of marrying a mere servant. To be plotted against – and by my own wife – is an insult…"

Then, he threw the glass he'd been drinking out of. It hit the wall with a magnificent 'crash' sound.

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Meanwhile, Dorian's mother had silently given him a knife. A _very_ sharp dagger, actually. It was nearly impossible to say or do anything without the security cameras picking it up. There were a few places in Magenta's room that weren't picked up by the camera. So, whilst pretending to kiss him, she handed him the knife. He understood – somehow – what this meant. She wanted him to kill Prince Frank.

After this strange, brief meeting he left. He didn't exactly know where Frank would be. There was a general are, yes.

Then, he heard the glass smashing against the wall. Dorian followed this sound. Soon, he came across a room in which the drunken prince. It was a disturbing sight…

His makeup was smeared, his clothes a mess. Tears mixed with mascara streaked his face. Those eyes were red from the crying. The famously handsome prince wasn't very nice looking now.

"It's a punishment, indeed. I kill that man – guilty _only_ of incest, which hardly counts as a crime – without honor. Poison is a coward's weapon. So am I punished? For cowardice, yes… what madness!" he wailed.

Crying pathetically, he crawled towards a cabinet in which alcohol was stored. Many rooms had such a thing. The loathsome man drank more and more. As he was downing a second bottle of that stuff the Earthlings called 'Russians' made, Dorian stepped over the room's threshold. The prince was too absorbed in his own woe to notice.

Then, Dorian noticed the monitor. That was a real problem! If he were caught on the camera then people would see him kill the prince. Surely there would be a horrid punishment for killing royalty.

So, he chickened out and ran back to his mother's sitting room. This was cowardly – but Dorian was a wannabe-musician… _not_ a warrior.

A slight rustling in the curtains – heard _just_ as Dorian entered the room – made him spin around. There were these curtains decorating all the walls. He suddenly began to panic. What if Frank had been faking his drunkenness? What if _he_ was hiding in the curtains? What if…?

Not only was the person in the curtains hidden from the security cameras, they also wouldn't see the knife. In Dorian's mind only somebody as crazy as Frank would hide behind curtains in his wife's sitting room. Dorian soon enough came to the conclusion that Frank had faked his drunkenness, followed the brooding Dorian, and planned to jump out at him.

Finding out one was the incest-induced offspring of two aliens – one of which was dead, the other of which was married to the other's murderer – really messed with one's thinking.

Now that Dorian had decided that the violent Prince Frank was hiding there – ready to pounce – he knew he needed to strike before the enemy could. So he quickly stabbed through the curtain.

"I am slain!" wailed a voice.

A voice that certainly wasn't Frank…

Dorian tore away the curtain to find the recently-deceased corpse of Mr. William Burghley. Somehow he'd managed to stab the man's stomach in a manner quickly fatal. _That_ was a very bad thing. Now he'd be in serious trouble! And he knew this – as evidenced by what he then said:

"Oh _shit_."

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